RLF ALUMNI

by SUSAN HOWELLS

For most of my life I never put a priority on my personal development. I was just going through the motions. Fortunately, I had a wonderful family, friends, job, and network, but something was missing. 

I felt like I was just on a hamster wheel and I could see that this went back as far as I could remember during my career. I was always good about exceeding my goals, being a team player, servicing my clients, making money, and providing for my family … but I never focused on myself.

Then, in the summer of 2013, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt lost and anxious. I am not sure what happened or why it happened, but I am glad it did. First, I went looking for answers. “What is wrong with me? Am I sick? Why do I feel this way?” I went to several doctors; I went to therapy; I even tried hypnosis. Over the next few years, I was still functioning, thriving in my career, and raising my family. I was getting it done but those closest to me knew that I was struggling.

Honestly, I just felt this was normal and how it was supposed to be as a working mom. My self-confidence was shot, I was tired and felt unfulfilled. Again, the never-ending hamster wheel. I always thought “once I get through XYZ,” “once my kids hit this milestone,” “once I get through volunteering for this,” “once I hit the next goal,” etc. then things would calm down and it would be different.  I blamed it on my type “A” personality, but it was never any different.

Then, as I reflected, things started to become clearer. I needed to focus on myself.

My internal transformation started at the end of 2017 when I began considering SIM’s RLF program. At first, I thought RLF would be too daunting. Reading thirty books, doing multiple projects and various presentations to the rest of the group…yikes! I might be in a business development role, but truth be told, I was terrified of presenting in front of a large group.

But two key people kept pushing me to join the 2018 program. My first response was, “The timing just isn’t right. I’ll consider it after my oldest daughter starts college.” They both had the same answer, “There will never be a right time. Now is the right time.” One of them completed the program while going through cancer treatment so I knew I had no excuse. I took their advice and am forever thankful that I did.

For me, like for so many others, RLF truly was a life-changing experience. I learned so much about myself and started the process of accepting myself for who I am. I can always strive to improve, but I began learning not to beat myself up. I still do this today, but thanks to RLF I am more aware, and can reel myself back in. I learned that self-improvement is ongoing and something that I can always work on.

While participating in RLF, I also spent a weekend with a childhood friend who happens to be a personal and leadership coach. I never could have imagined the impact that weekend would have on me – as my friend introduced me to meditation and a balance wheel exercise. Now, instead of looking for causes and excuses for how I am feeling, I focus on self-reflection, personal development, and meditating.

Fast forward to several months ago. Although personal development has been something I have continued to focus on since completing RLF, I felt I needed a refresher and took a self-acceptance workshop. I also attended a free webinar that my professional coach friend was holding for women leaders. These really helped me refocus my efforts on my continued personal development journey. The timing could not have been better, especially with the stress of the pandemic throughout 2020. I realized that focusing on my personal development has made me much stronger and resilient during this time.

Sure, there can be a financial cost to RLF and continuous personal development, but I feel it is well worth it because of the outstanding dividends that can result. One of the best outcomes is developing a key circle of people you can talk to, listen to, and learn from. I have found this through my husband, some longtime friends, and now my fellow RLF classmates who have become vital professional colleagues. Meditation is a great tool as well. Living in a busy world and working in a competitive industry, it really helps me to calm my mind. There are many apps, and some are free. I am listing a few resources below.

Thanks to RLF, what I now know is that by focusing on myself, I ultimately am a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee and co-worker. And in the spirit of my ongoing commitment to personal development, below I have shared some of the key things I learned along the way. Hopefully, this list may help someone else out there. It helps me to have written it down.

I have learned to: 

• Focus on the positive and not the negative.
• Be a good listener. Try active listening. Don’t listen to respond, listen to listen.
• “Kill the ANTS” as someone once told me. ANTS is an acronym for “Avoid Negative Thinking” (Negative Self Talk).
• Look at the big picture. When frustrated, hurt or angry, realize this is not about me. I should not focus on what I cannot control.
• Never be afraid to be vulnerable.
• Be empathetic.
• Find time for the things that are important to you.
• Understand the things that trigger me. Be aware. Reflect, don’t react.
• Be more present. Live in the present.
• Stop apologizing (unless it is truly warranted).
• Practice responding instead of reacting.
• Keep a journal.
• Understand there is no such thing as failure if I learn something.
• Don’t be quick to judge (myself and or others).
• Be self-aware.
• Be a lifelong learner.
• Forgive myself.
• Be compassionate to myself and others.
• Don’t be afraid to be honest.
• Take time to slow down and reflect.
• Take credit and accept compliments.
• Most importantly, be self-accepting!

I could go on and on. The key takeaway is to find time to focus on yourself. It will help you in both your personal and professional life.

Susan Howells is Director of Business Development for Tews Company, a 2018 RLF graduate and Vice President of the SIM Central Florida chapter.  She can be reached at SHowells@tewscompany.com.

References:

· Regional Leadership Forum, https://rlf.simnet.org/home

· Dr. Laura Gallaher, http://www.gallaheredge.com>

· Michelle Myers, Summit Leadership Coaching, http://www.summitleadershipcoaching

Resources:

· https://www.tenpercent.com/

· https://chopracentermeditation.com/

· https://www.headspace.com/

· Dr. Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability