RLF ALUMNI

by MOLLY MAHONEY

I am sharing a personal journey as I navigate through an unexpected, extraordinary life change. 

The “Life Planning Tool”:     I am a Southeast RLF facilitator, and each year my co-facilitators and I utilize a “Life Planning Tool” with our RLF participants.  The “Life Planning Tool” is an exercise created by our friend Kevin Ryan, NE RLF Facilitator and former RLF Director, who got the idea from Gordon Mackenzie’s book Orbiting the Giant Hairball, which talks about painting the ‘masterpiece of your life’.  This “Life Planning Tool” encourages each of us to think about our whole life – past, present and future – and provides a framework to reflectively consider “are we really thinking and acting on the most important things in our life?”

The “Life Planning Tool” consist of four key questions to consider and answer:

1. What are the major events or times in your life that were joyous experiences, major accomplishments, or other things or happenings that made major positive impacts on you? 
2. What are the events, experiences, or other happenings that were hard, hurtful, or disappointing? 
3. What experiences and events do you anticipate that may lie ahead of you that likely will be difficult to go through? 
4. What are the major milestones in your life that you wish to accomplish or experience before your end of life? 

The real challenge is … before answering questions 3 and 4 and focusing on the future, you must write down the age that you believe your life, or project plan, will end – knowing that we each have a finite period of time in this life.  And, if you are like me, you believe you still have plenty of time. 

So, while I found it easier to answer questions 1 and 2 whenever I periodically updated my own “Life Plan,” I always found myself less precise when answering questions 3 and 4.  However, because of a recent medical diagnosis, I am now very keenly aware of my answers and actions related to questions 3 and 4. 

An Unexpected Diagnosis:     Early in 2019 I started noticing a gradual loss of functionality in my hand.  On a visit with my son’s family in New York in October 2019, I mentioned this to my daughter-in-law, a neurologist at NYU.  I believed it was carpal tunnel.  My daughter-in-law thought differently and asked if I would see another neurologist at NYU.  In the span of four weeks, I underwent extensive testing at NYU and then Mt. Sinai Hospital.  The week before Thanksgiving 2019, I was diagnosed with a debilitating neurological disease that slowly takes away a person’s ability to control their muscles.  I was speechless.  This is a terminal illness with an expected lifespan of 2-5 years, and there is no cure. 

Taking Action:     I informed my immediate family and close friends.  We grieved, cried, talked, and began planning how to maximize our time together.  I remembered the “Life Planning Tool” and began thinking about the answers to questions 3 and 4, this time in great detail.  I needed to plan and prepare for the difficult events and experiences ahead of me; finding and moving to a home more suitable for loss of functionality, considering the potential loss of independence, and writing stories of my life for my children and grandchildren (storyworth.com is an excellent tool). 

I turned my focus to “what do I want to experience or accomplish?”  We planned family trips, which have been put on-hold until there is a vaccination for COVID-19, as I am considered ‘high risk’.  Not to worry, we Zoom or Facetime almost daily.  And there are many things to create for my grandsons -- videos, cards, scrapbooks.   

Informing friends / coworkers:     I sent an email to our most recent Southeast RLF graduates, to RLF facilitators, directors and sales team, and to my work team-- informing them shortly after my diagnosis.  Their heartfelt responses and support were overwhelming, and I’ve saved each of their emails so I can revisit them in the future. 

Changing my work priorities:     I knew I wanted to focus more on my health, exercise, quality time with family, friends and prepare for the future.  I’ve always enjoyed working, but this became a lower priority.  I resigned from my demanding job and shifted to a less stressful part-time position, and even considered giving up facilitating RLF.  However, after discussing with my co-facilitators, we agreed I would continue facilitating RLF as long as it made sense.  

How I’m coping:     A positive attitude and hope is essential for my longevity.  I consider myself a warrior for positivity as I’m moving forward, yet, I do sometimes have despairing thoughts.  The uncertainty and timing of progressive degeneration is frightening.  So how do I cope?  One day at a time. I revisited a book we use in the Southeast RLF, Shawn Achor’s The Happiness Advantage.  When I practice Shawn’s advice, I am more at peace.  I’ve been keeping a “grateful journal” for a couple of years, and now I journal every night, writing three things for which I am grateful for that day. Another recommendation of Shawn’s is to give back. When out, I smile and say hello to those passing by, pick up garbage while walking, sometimes pick up the dinner tab, let that obnoxious car cut in front of me, say thank you, and help those that ask. 

I am currently reading The How of Happinessby Sonja Lyubomirsky, a scholar who has done pioneering research on happiness, based on experimental data. This book provides practical exercises to improve individual happiness.

Exercise and keeping the endorphins flowing, as well as getting a good night’s sleep and waking up refreshed are also vital to keeping my mind and body as healthy as possible.  And finally, for me, the best happy boost is spending time with my family and friends, currently limited to virtual meetings or phone calls.  I cherish the time with my grown children and grandsons, with my brothers and sisters, and with friends.  I look forward to a time again when we can hug in person. 

Meditation:      Another important coping technique I’ve incorporated into daily life is practicing meditation.  Prior to the diagnosis, I tried meditation several times, unsuccessfully.  Post diagnosis, with a strong desire to calm troubling thoughts, coupled with the help of several meditation apps, I can honestly say my day is unfulfilled until I sit quietly, breathe and meditate.  My favorite meditation app is “Waking Up” because it teaches me “how to” with simple ten-minute guided practices each day.  I am grateful that my disease has given me this important, extremely beneficial gift.  

And now:     I wake up, knowing what is on my plate and fill each extra hour living everyday life.  I look at my new normal as a gift, where I get to experience life in a way that most people don’t.  At times I struggle to see the beauty in this new journey and strive to accept it with grace, keenly aware of perhaps a compressed timeline.  So many things now are not so important.  So what if there is a little dust on my bedroom dresser, or the car needs to be washed, or there is clutter on my kitchen table! I choose instead to go on a walk, or bike around the lake, or practice yoga, or meditate, or call a friend, cook a nice meal, or relax with a book.

Make your choices:     We all have a choice each day when we wake up, before we put our feet on the floor.  I choose to be happy, grateful and live in the present.  I choose to make a difference in someone’s life.  I choose to listen to others. 

Live in the present:     My intent in sharing my story is to offer a different perspective on life.  It has been eight months of living my new normal, and I can’t help but wonder, “why did it take a diagnosis for me to take more affirmative action to live in the present?”  And so, I ask, what will it take for you to live in the present? 

My encouragement to you:     We all have a finite timeline … so make each day count, because as each day passes, there are fewer left.  We all have choices, decisions, family, friends, community and love to give.  So I encourage you to use the “Life Planning Tool” and be sure to deeply focus on questions 3 and 4.  Then make solid plans and work your plan.  Believe me … if you take action now to be present each day you can truly build your life masterpiece!

Molly Mahoney is an RLF graduate, a longtime RLF facilitator and a vital member of the RLF Team.  She can be reached at mollyannmahoney@gmail.com.