CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE'S JOURNEY? REVISIT THEFT OF THE SPIRIT.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Carl Hammerschlag, author of RLF’s longtime core book, The Theft Of The Spirit, passed away in 2022 at age 82 from a chronic cardiac condition. Some months earlier, Dr. Hammerschlag hosted a special virtual meeting with RLF grads and shared numerous perspectives which resonate quite strongly even though he is now no longer with us. His final advice during that webinar is particularly apt:
“We don’t take anything with us – it’s what we leave behind that matters in the end. So, stretch your boundaries and don’t focus on the loss and the toll that life sometimes brings us. Rather, always appreciate the preciousness of the moment. And remember … the way it was, is not the way it is.”
Dr. Hammerschlag’s works and philosophies will undoubtedly continue to resonate with countless RLF participants for years to come. Below is how one RLF grad was touched by The Theft Of The Spirit which we are publishing again as a tribute to Carl Hammerschlag.
RLF grads – consider revisiting "The Theft Of The Spirit" as changes occur in your life’s journey
by MICHAEL GARLICH (Originally published in April 2022)
RLF alumni … remember reading The Theft Of The Spirit during your RLF experience? Did you like it? Did it resonate with you? Well, whether it was a favorite book or perhaps one of your not-so-favorite books, I’m suggesting that RLF grads could benefit from taking the time to revisit this book – particularly as our life’s circumstances and trajectories inevitably change. Let me explain.
Carl Hammerschlag’s The Theft Of The Spirit has long been a core RLF book, known for its introspective reflections interspersed with the author’s highly-personal stories of spiritual connections. This book is intended to be an introductory conduit toward the core competencies of self-awareness and self-discovery RLF participants ideally develop during the RLF experience. That’s why it’s usually read and discussed during Session 1.
But perhaps you were like me when I initially picked up the book in preparation for my own first RLF session. I immediately judged the book by its cover, assuming it would simply be an anthology of stories and wondering why it was a required book for a leadership development program. However, within a few minutes I came to the final words of the Prologue … “When our history is written, let it not be said that we floundered because we allowed the theft of our spirit.”
As I read those words, and then each succeeding page throughout the rest of the book, unexpected self-awareness suddenly washed over me – along with some tears.
You see, early in our marriage my wife and I lost our 1-year-old son to bacterial meningitis. Out of the blue, our son became desperately ill, and a 107-degree fever overpowered him in a matter of hours before the doctors could determine what was wrong. By then it was too late, and his ravaged body succumbed to the catastrophic damage from the fever.
In all the years afterward, I carefully avoided anything that evoked too much of the searing pain and overwhelming grief we felt – that any parent feels when holding their lifeless child – and the excruciating years-long journey my wife and I traveled toward eventual acceptance and a measure of healing. Yet, because of RLF and the assignment of The Theft Of The Spirit, I suddenly found myself drawn deeply into page after page that forced me to confront again what my wife and I had experienced … and survived.
First, as I absorbed the Prologue’s final words that day, it hit me. That sentence encapsulated what my wife and I had experienced. We may have lost our son, but we ultimately refused to allow our spirit to also be stolen from us. Yes, we absolutely floundered. But somehow we managed to hang on, clinging sometimes only by our fingernails to the power of a life-sustaining spirit between us, our other children and our Creator.
All of these memories suddenly came flooding back as I began reading The Theft Of The Spirit … and as I continued to read.
I encountered a passage in chapter 2 describing the same realization that my wife and I eventually came to recognize … that we would never fully comprehend “why did this have to happen to us” and how life-changing moments are constant and inevitable. As Hammerschlag writes, “Our lives are not clear-cut paths to predetermined destinations. Things are always happening to us along the way. Our lives turn out to be a succession of surprises requiring mid-course corrections. We don’t know anything about the end, only that it comes.”
Later, in chapter 7, I read words that similarly captured how my wife and I somehow found our way despite stumbling through our numbing tragedy, when we felt we couldn’t endure one more day or take one more step in the darkness. Hammerschlag writes, “I only saw the way it was, not the way it might be. This is the ultimate blindness. This kind of blindness has nothing to do with sight; it has to do with lack of vision, and vision is the stuff of dreams, hope, and possibilities … I learned to see in the dark.”
Further on, in chapter 8, I pondered this passage: “It was only when he said, ‘Help me get through this day,’ that he knew he could survive the moment. It is in our choices that we shape our destiny – not in lamenting our fate. Events in life are neither good nor bad, they are both.” My wife and I experienced exactly that. In time, we came to realize that we had no option but to survive and therefore made the conscious choice to not be swallowed up by cursing our loss.
As I continued reading the book, I came across a section in chapter 11 that reminded me how my wife and I learned to lean on each other and into our beliefs to somehow believe we could get through another day; Hammerschlag writes, “it is not the certainty in our heads that will save us but the truth of our hearts. What we ultimately learn about life’s journey is nothing – what we believe is everything.”
When I arrived at the book’s final chapter, there I found two passages reminding me how my wife and I traveled back to a hope-filled life … “The songs of our hearts – prayers – are what gives lift to hope.” And, “Prayer gives lift to the wings of dreams.” We truly lived those words, continually turning to a higher power for hopefulness, courage and guidance.
Then, in the book’s closing paragraph I encountered three simple sentences which resonate with me to this day; helping me to draw a powerful arc to the story of all that my wife and I experienced … “No one can steal your spirit; you have to give it away. You can also take it back. Find yours.”
A few weeks later, I found myself sharing all of my new-found reflections with my RLF class when I led The Theft Of The Spirit book discussion in our first session. And in the years since first reading it, from time-to-time I’ve revisited this book’s passages as I’ve encountered new challenges and sought to continually understand and articulate my life’s journey.
Looking back today, I recognize that reading The Theft Of The Spirit for RLF helped to crystallize four things within me:
• First, only we control how we deal with life’s burdens. It’s the way we carry ourselves and those we love through challenges that defines us; not the experience itself.
• Second, only you control your spirit; and only you have the power to keep it or give it away.
• Third, you always possess the power to find strength in yourself … a strength you may have forgotten or a strength you never knew you had.
• Fourth, I came to know that RLF and its components like The Theft Of The Spirit have been precious gifts in my life, helping me to find meaning in my journey and new ways to better acknowledge, work through and share with others how I traveled through the darkest days of my life.
So, if you’re facing a new challenge or an unexpected obstacle, I encourage you to take another look at The Theft Of The Spirit. I believe you’ll find a nugget or two that may resonate with you more today than when you first read it.
Or, if you haven’t recognized your spirit recently, I encourage you to pick up The Theft Of The Spirit again … to help you “find yours.” My hope for you is that your spirit helps you find the way forward as you face any daunting development in your life’s journey.
Michael Garlich is an RLF graduate and a Facilitator for the Southeast RLF program. He can be reached at magarlich@gmail.com
WORKING IN A HEARING WORLD
"WORKING IN A HEARING WORLD" ... creating an inclusive workplace for the deaf and hard of hearing
by KIMBERLY SHARP (Originally published in June 2021)
RLF was a profoundly life-changing experience for me; I rediscovered my authentic self, found my purpose and was welcomed into a community that I remain connected to today. I struggled with hearing loss for some time but never spoke about it until I was back in the safe space of RLF during a Continuing Education Event in 2019. I would have never found the courage to share my story publicly without RLF.
I am sharing my story in hopes of ending the stigma of being deaf or hard of hearing.
DISCOVERING I WAS DIFFERENT
Like many children, I received a hearing test in elementary school and was told I had nerve deafness. I didn’t really know what that meant, and my parents and teachers took no extraordinary measures on my behalf. I learned to live with my mild hearing loss until six years ago, when I began to use the extra volume functionality on my cell phone, lean into the speakerphone to hear during conference calls, and ask coworkers to repeat themselves. Business functions like networking events and dinners became difficult to navigate. I could no longer deny that my hearing loss, which was stable for most of my life, had drastically deteriorated.
RECEIVING A PROPER DIAGNOSIS
I am fortunate to live outside Boston, where I have access to Massachusetts Eye and Ear (MEE), an international center for treatment and the world's largest vision and hearing research center. At 40 years old I was diagnosed with moderate sensorineural hearing loss; a permanent and progressive hearing loss that occurs when the delicate nerve fibers of the inner ear are damaged. This diagnosis was difficult to receive – thoughts immediately flooded my mind… Would I lose my ability to hear completely? How long would that take? How difficult is it to learn ASL (American Sign Language)? How would I communicate with my family and friends? Would I forget how to speak if I couldn’t hear anything? Could I continue to work?… the list was endless. It took me time to process my diagnosis and come to terms with it.
My team at MEE got to know me. Understanding my lifestyle as a consultant and my hobbies outside of work aided in the development of my treatment plan. My plan included devices (hearing aids and noise cancelling headphones), as well as therapies and medications to help with my tinnitus and significant balance issues.
ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES
In my effort to learn more about the deaf and hard of hearing community I quickly realized that I am one of the lucky ones. I have access to and the financial means to receive ongoing treatment and have consistent full-time employment. My experience is drastically different from what most people in the community face.
- According to the World Health Organization (WHO) 430 million people globally have disabling hearing loss that requires rehabilitation services, by 2050 it is estimated to almost double – that is nearly 1 in every 10 people on the planet.
- The WHO also reports that only 17% of those who could benefit from the use of hearing devices actually use one – one of the largest barriers to entry is the lack of accessible healthcare, the other is cost.
- In the United States the cost of hearing devices is not routinely covered by health insurance. ConsumerAffairsreports that one hearing aid can range from $1,000 - $4,000, with premium hearing devices costing as much as $6,000 per device. However, the WHO estimates less than $1.40 additional investment per person is needed to scale up ear and hearing care services globally.
- The unemployment rate is staggering – fewer than 40% of people with a hearing disability work full time based on analysis completed by the Yang-Tan Institute at Cornell University.
These statistics are eye-opening, but they don’t begin to explain the mental and emotional impact hearing loss has on many members of the community. Studies conducted by the National Deaf Center show that deaf individuals experience social‐emotional difficulties at a rate as high as two to three times that of their hearing peers. This has been especially true during the COVID-19 pandemic. Nonverbal communication, such as body language accounts for 55% of total communication and 38% is related to tone – leaving just 7% for the spoken word. While masks have become common place as a matter of ensuring public health and flattening the COVID curve; they significantly compound the social isolation that exists in the deaf and hard of hearing community. So much of living an active life in a hearing world stems from an ability to comprehend facial expressions and to read lips. If you have a deaf or hard of hearing friend or colleague, try wearing a clear or “smile” mask like the ones from ClearMask when you are with them.
BE AN ADVOCATE
The working deaf and hard of hearing community face many challenges; by educating yourself you can become and advocate and together we can provide a more inclusive workplace. Here are a few simple suggestions to implement in your company:
- Telephone – make telephones available that support video relay calls or text
- Virtual meetings – leverage standard accessibility features in Microsoft Teamsand Zoom
- In person meetings – provide a space that allows a direct line of sight to the speakers
- Corporate communications – make important announcements available in writing in real-time
- Training – provide closed-captioning for videos and transcripts for self-guided and in-person training
- Emergency preparedness - install visual cues such as flashing lights and establish a buddy system
Leading with empathy and kindness is more important than it’s ever been before. RLF gave me the tools to feel confident in showing up at work as my authentic self each day. On this journey, I’ve learned that being inclusive means creating an environment where everyone feels the same sense of belonging, where our differences are viewed as assets and not liabilities. I hope that as a community of RLF graduates and business leaders we remain grounded in the core principles of RLF; demonstrating the courage to humanize our workplaces by staying curious and learning from each other while sharing our own unique experiences.
Kimberly Sharp is an RLF Facilitator , a Senior Consulting Manager for Rizing Consumer Industries, and a Northeast RLF 2017 Graduate.
As a Senior Consulting Manager with Rizing Consumer Industries, Kimberly is the data practice lead working with companies as they embark on their own data journeys. Kimberly provides executive education and mentoring to new data leaders by imparting the lessons she learned along the way and she does it with the singular purpose of unlocking data’s value as a strategic asset. In addition to her advisory work with Rizing, Kimberly is actively engaged with the data community. She is highly regarded as a thought leader – publishing articles and speaking at various industry events. Kimberly is a member of the Society of Information Management and ASUG’s Enterprise Information Management Think Tank.
Passionate about increasing the opportunities for women in IT and Retail, Kimberly founded Rizing’s first employee resource group, WIT (Women in Technology) whose vision is to, “accelerate the leadership path for Rizing women so that they can reach their full potential in an inclusive workplace.” She is also an active member of the Network of Executive Women. Stay connected with Kimberly on LinkedIn.
7 ways to create connection remotely
7 Ways to Create Connection Remotely: Lessons I Learned from my Long-Distance Professional Relations
by MORAG BARRETT (Originally published in February 2021)
In our life before Covid (B.C.), most of us saw our colleagues, friends, and family every day. We had one or two long-distance relationships and that was plenty. Now, times are changing yet again with the release of the vaccine. We are now in After Distancing (A.D.). This raises the question…
How can we apply what we know about maintaining those pesky long-distance romantic relationships to our now long-distance professional relationships?
I’m so glad you asked! Here are 7 of the best tips to handle the A.D. times we find ourselves in.
1. Communicate
Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Experience has shown that we need to turn the dial up and communicate more frequently when we can’t spend time together. Whether it’s a video call, a phone call (yes, phone calls are even more important now!) or sending a handwritten note, make a habit of reaching out, not just when you need something, but simply to check in and say hello.
2. Be Intentional
If you’re not able to touch base often, make sure to be intentional when you DO connect. If you know a big project is coming up for your team or colleague, send a message to give them a heads up, provide regular feedback and share successes to encourage them. This secondary form of communication goes a long way in establishing and strengthening that relationship.
3. Raise the Tough Issues Remotely (And In Person)
This is a bit of a no-brainer. We ALL need to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way. Early in the pandemic I had coaching clients who would say “Oh I’ll wait to raise this issue when we are back in person” or “I can’t do this over zoom, or the phone”. My advice is don’t wait. Issues left unaddressed will only fester and who knows when we will be back in the office and in person. Instead take the time to discuss the small (or big) issues today. In doing so, you avoid a lot of stress and tension down the road. If you find yourself having to go back and repair situations you might be missing something with your colleague. Talk it out with them and get to the bottom of it.
4. Prioritize You
Do you remember when you used to travel frequently? During the safety briefing you were always told to put your own safety mask on first, before helping others. The same is true when investing in your professional (and personal) long distance relationships. Different schedules, time zones, work preferences, etc. can all create obstacles when working with long-distance relationships. Create a schedule of your best “You Time” - peak performance, absolute attention, all that jazz. Like it or not, you can’t be at your absolute best all the time.
5. Align Goals
You both work for the same team. Make sure goals are aligned and satisfy both you and your long-distance colleague. Discuss what it means to be part of a high-performing (virtual) team and what maybe staying the same, and what needs to change to accommodate the practicalities of working from home. Do SLA’s need to be adjusted, meeting cadence updated, perhaps you need to agree times when NO meetings will be scheduled. Make the implicit explicit and decide together how and when the work gets done.
6. No Detail is Boring
One of the common mistakes made in relationships is overlooking the little details. Often, these are the very glue that holds together the relationship! Some great questions to ask your colleagues:
● What podcast are they listening to?
● What books/movies are they into?
● What do they do to break up the litany of working from home?
These aren’t just icebreakers, they’re conversation starters. Follow up on what you learned, when you do your team will feel you care and connected to the team. It’s the little details that have a big impact in the grand scheme of things.
7. The Secret Ingredient
It’s trust. Oops, now it’s not a secret! The fact of the matter is, you cannot control what your colleague does. It takes time to establish trust and rapport with those you work with. The question you have to ask is, “Are you being the type of coworker you would like to have?” If you answered yes, good for you! If you answered no… Well, you may want to take notes from this article and get to it!
I’d love to hear from you and the innovative ways you are nurturing the sense of connection with your team and long-distance relationships during this A.D. time we find ourselves in! Please send me a message.
Morag Barrett is a great friend of RLF, a highly accomplished keynote speaker, leadership development expert and bestselling author of Cultivate: The Power of Winning Relationships and The Future-Proof Workplace. Morag is also the founder and CEO of SkyeTeam, a boutique leadership development firm, and has supported more than 15,000 leaders from 20 countries and on 4 continents achieve outstanding results by improving the effectiveness of their leadership and teams. Morag encourages you to reach out to her at morag@skyeteam.com or via her LinkedIn profile.
make time to focus on yourself and your development
"ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR FOCUSING ON YOURSELF AND FOR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT"
by SUSAN HOWELLS (Originally published in October 2020)
For most of my life I never put a priority on my personal development. I was just going through the motions. Fortunately, I had a wonderful family, friends, job, and network, but something was missing.
I felt like I was just on a hamster wheel and I could see that this went back as far as I could remember during my career. I was always good about exceeding my goals, being a team player, servicing my clients, making money, and providing for my family … but I never focused on myself.
Then, in the summer of 2013, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt lost and anxious. I am not sure what happened or why it happened, but I am glad it did. First, I went looking for answers. “What is wrong with me? Am I sick? Why do I feel this way?” I went to several doctors; I went to therapy; I even tried hypnosis. Over the next few years, I was still functioning, thriving in my career, and raising my family. I was getting it done but those closest to me knew that I was struggling.
Honestly, I just felt this was normal and how it was supposed to be as a working mom. My self-confidence was shot, I was tired and felt unfulfilled. Again, the never-ending hamster wheel. I always thought “once I get through XYZ,” “once my kids hit this milestone,” “once I get through volunteering for this,” “once I hit the next goal,” etc. then things would calm down and it would be different. I blamed it on my type “A” personality, but it was never any different.
Then, as I reflected, things started to become clearer. I needed to focus on myself.
My internal transformation started at the end of 2017 when I began considering SIM’s RLF program. At first, I thought RLF would be too daunting. Reading thirty books, doing multiple projects and various presentations to the rest of the group…yikes! I might be in a business development role, but truth be told, I was terrified of presenting in front of a large group.
But two key people kept pushing me to join the 2018 program. My first response was, “The timing just isn’t right. I’ll consider it after my oldest daughter starts college.” They both had the same answer, “There will never be a right time. Now is the right time.” One of them completed the program while going through cancer treatment so I knew I had no excuse. I took their advice and am forever thankful that I did.
For me, like for so many others, RLF truly was a life-changing experience. I learned so much about myself and started the process of accepting myself for who I am. I can always strive to improve, but I began learning not to beat myself up. I still do this today, but thanks to RLF I am more aware, and can reel myself back in. I learned that self-improvement is ongoing and something that I can always work on.
While participating in RLF, I also spent a weekend with a childhood friend who happens to be a personal and leadership coach. I never could have imagined the impact that weekend would have on me – as my friend introduced me to meditation and a balance wheel exercise. Now, instead of looking for causes and excuses for how I am feeling, I focus on self-reflection, personal development, and meditating.
Fast forward to several months ago. Although personal development has been something I have continued to focus on since completing RLF, I felt I needed a refresher and took a self-acceptance workshop. I also attended a free webinar that my professional coach friend was holding for women leaders. These really helped me refocus my efforts on my continued personal development journey. The timing could not have been better, especially with the stress of the pandemic throughout 2020. I realized that focusing on my personal development has made me much stronger and resilient during this time.
Sure, there can be a financial cost to RLF and continuous personal development, but I feel it is well worth it because of the outstanding dividends that can result. One of the best outcomes is developing a key circle of people you can talk to, listen to, and learn from. I have found this through my husband, some longtime friends, and now my fellow RLF classmates who have become vital professional colleagues. Meditation is a great tool as well. Living in a busy world and working in a competitive industry, it really helps me to calm my mind. There are many apps, and some are free. I am listing a few resources below.
Thanks to RLF, what I now know is that by focusing on myself, I ultimately am a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee and co-worker. And in the spirit of my ongoing commitment to personal development, below I have shared some of the key things I learned along the way. Hopefully, this list may help someone else out there. It helps me to have written it down.
I have learned to:
- Focus on the positive and not the negative.
- Be a good listener. Try active listening. Don’t listen to respond, listen to listen.
- “Kill the ANTS” as someone once told me. ANTS is an acronym for “Avoid Negative Thinking” (Negative Self Talk).
- Look at the big picture. When frustrated, hurt or angry, realize this is not about me. I should not focus on what I cannot control.
- Never be afraid to be vulnerable.
- Be empathetic.
- Find time for the things that are important to you.
- Understand the things that trigger me. Be aware. Reflect, don’t react.
- Be more present. Live in the present.
- Stop apologizing (unless it is truly warranted).
- Practice responding instead of reacting.
- Keep a journal.
- Understand there is no such thing as failure if I learn something.
- Don’t be quick to judge (myself and or others).
- Be self-aware.
- Be a lifelong learner.
- Forgive myself.
- Be compassionate to myself and others.
- Don’t be afraid to be honest.
- Take time to slow down and reflect.
- Take credit and accept compliments.
- Most importantly, be self-accepting!
I could go on and on. The key takeaway is to find time to focus on yourself. It will help you in both your personal and professional life.
Susan Howells is Director of Business Development for Tews Company, a 2018 RLF graduate and Vice President of the SIM Central Florida chapter. She can be reached at SHowells@tewscompany.com.
References:
· Regional Leadership Forum, https://rlf.simnet.org/home
· Dr. Laura Gallaher, http://www.gallaheredge.com>
· Michelle Myers, Summit Leadership Coaching, http://www.summitleadershipcoaching
Resources:
make each day count
"Make each day count … because as each day passes, there are fewer left."
by MOLLY MAHONEY (Originally published in July 2020)
I am sharing a personal journey as I navigate through an unexpected, extraordinary life change.
The “Life Planning Tool”: I am a Southeast RLF facilitator, and each year my co-facilitators and I utilize a “Life Planning Tool” with our RLF participants. The “Life Planning Tool” is an exercise created by our friend Kevin Ryan, NE RLF Facilitator and former RLF Director, who got the idea from Gordon Mackenzie’s book Orbiting the Giant Hairball, which talks about painting the ‘masterpiece of your life’. This “Life Planning Tool” encourages each of us to think about our whole life – past, present and future – and provides a framework to reflectively consider “are we really thinking and acting on the most important things in our life?”
The “Life Planning Tool” consist of four key questions to consider and answer:
- What are the major events or times in your life that were joyous experiences, major accomplishments, or other things or happenings that made major positive impacts on you?
- What are the events, experiences, or other happenings that were hard, hurtful, or disappointing?
- What experiences and events do you anticipate that may lie ahead of you that likely will be difficult to go through?
- What are the major milestones in your life that you wish to accomplish or experience before your end of life?
The real challenge is … before answering questions 3 and 4 and focusing on the future, you must write down the age that you believe your life, or project plan, will end – knowing that we each have a finite period of time in this life. And, if you are like me, you believe you still have plenty of time.
So, while I found it easier to answer questions 1 and 2 whenever I periodically updated my own “Life Plan,” I always found myself less precise when answering questions 3 and 4. However, because of a recent medical diagnosis, I am now very keenly aware of my answers and actions related to questions 3 and 4.
An Unexpected Diagnosis: Early in 2019 I started noticing a gradual loss of functionality in my hand. On a visit with my son’s family in New York in October 2019, I mentioned this to my daughter-in-law, a neurologist at NYU. I believed it was carpal tunnel. My daughter-in-law thought differently and asked if I would see another neurologist at NYU. In the span of four weeks, I underwent extensive testing at NYU and then Mt. Sinai Hospital. The week before Thanksgiving 2019, I was diagnosed with a debilitating neurological disease that slowly takes away a person’s ability to control their muscles. I was speechless. This is a terminal illness with an expected lifespan of 2-5 years, and there is no cure.
Taking Action: I informed my immediate family and close friends. We grieved, cried, talked, and began planning how to maximize our time together. I remembered the “Life Planning Tool” and began thinking about the answers to questions 3 and 4, this time in great detail. I needed to plan and prepare for the difficult events and experiences ahead of me; finding and moving to a home more suitable for loss of functionality, considering the potential loss of independence, and writing stories of my life for my children and grandchildren (storyworth.com is an excellent tool).
I turned my focus to “what do I want to experience or accomplish?” We planned family trips, which have been put on-hold until there is a vaccination for COVID-19, as I am considered ‘high risk’. Not to worry, we Zoom or Facetime almost daily. And there are many things to create for my grandsons -- videos, cards, scrapbooks.
Informing friends / coworkers: I sent an email to our most recent Southeast RLF graduates, to RLF facilitators, directors and sales team, and to my work team-- informing them shortly after my diagnosis. Their heartfelt responses and support were overwhelming, and I’ve saved each of their emails so I can revisit them in the future.
Changing my work priorities: I knew I wanted to focus more on my health, exercise, quality time with family, friends and prepare for the future. I’ve always enjoyed working, but this became a lower priority. I resigned from my demanding job and shifted to a less stressful part-time position, and even considered giving up facilitating RLF. However, after discussing with my co-facilitators, we agreed I would continue facilitating RLF as long as it made sense.
How I’m coping: A positive attitude and hope is essential for my longevity. I consider myself a warrior for positivity as I’m moving forward, yet, I do sometimes have despairing thoughts. The uncertainty and timing of progressive degeneration is frightening. So how do I cope? One day at a time. I revisited a book we use in the Southeast RLF, Shawn Achor’s The Happiness Advantage. When I practice Shawn’s advice, I am more at peace. I’ve been keeping a “grateful journal” for a couple of years, and now I journal every night, writing three things for which I am grateful for that day. Another recommendation of Shawn’s is to give back. When out, I smile and say hello to those passing by, pick up garbage while walking, sometimes pick up the dinner tab, let that obnoxious car cut in front of me, say thank you, and help those that ask.
I am currently reading The How of Happinessby Sonja Lyubomirsky, a scholar who has done pioneering research on happiness, based on experimental data. This book provides practical exercises to improve individual happiness.
Exercise and keeping the endorphins flowing, as well as getting a good night’s sleep and waking up refreshed are also vital to keeping my mind and body as healthy as possible. And finally, for me, the best happy boost is spending time with my family and friends, currently limited to virtual meetings or phone calls. I cherish the time with my grown children and grandsons, with my brothers and sisters, and with friends. I look forward to a time again when we can hug in person.
Meditation: Another important coping technique I’ve incorporated into daily life is practicing meditation. Prior to the diagnosis, I tried meditation several times, unsuccessfully. Post diagnosis, with a strong desire to calm troubling thoughts, coupled with the help of several meditation apps, I can honestly say my day is unfulfilled until I sit quietly, breathe and meditate. My favorite meditation app is “Waking Up” because it teaches me “how to” with simple ten-minute guided practices each day. I am grateful that my disease has given me this important, extremely beneficial gift.
And now: I wake up, knowing what is on my plate and fill each extra hour living everyday life. I look at my new normal as a gift, where I get to experience life in a way that most people don’t. At times I struggle to see the beauty in this new journey and strive to accept it with grace, keenly aware of perhaps a compressed timeline. So many things now are not so important. So what if there is a little dust on my bedroom dresser, or the car needs to be washed, or there is clutter on my kitchen table! I choose instead to go on a walk, or bike around the lake, or practice yoga, or meditate, or call a friend, cook a nice meal, or relax with a book.
Make your choices: We all have a choice each day when we wake up, before we put our feet on the floor. I choose to be happy, grateful and live in the present. I choose to make a difference in someone’s life. I choose to listen to others.
Live in the present: My intent in sharing my story is to offer a different perspective on life. It has been eight months of living my new normal, and I can’t help but wonder, “why did it take a diagnosis for me to take more affirmative action to live in the present?” And so, I ask, what will it take for you to live in the present?
My encouragement to you: We all have a finite timeline … so make each day count, because as each day passes, there are fewer left. We all have choices, decisions, family, friends, community and love to give. So I encourage you to use the “Life Planning Tool” and be sure to deeply focus on questions 3 and 4. Then make solid plans and work your plan. Believe me … if you take action now to be present each day you can truly build your life masterpiece!
Molly Mahoney is an RLF graduate, a longtime RLF facilitator and a vital member of the RLF Team. She can be reached at mollyannmahoney@gmail.com.
rlf provides a lifelong toolkit
"MY RLF TOOLKIT IS INVALUABLE -- TODAY MORE THAN EVER"
by PAULLETTE JAMES-LECOQ (Originally published in May 2020)
When I completed RLF in 2019, I never imagined a situation where the things I learned throughout the program could have more meaning than where we are today – in the midst of a pandemic.
As a director in the care delivery technology area, currently my team and I are working days, evenings and weekends to respond to clear and present needs … for our employees in the field, for administrators, for the CDC, for members and for the community at large. At the same time, we are all simultaneously grappling with the impact upon our own lives and loved ones.
I also find myself grateful for – and continually tapping – these things that I learned during RLF:
- I have my compass from RLF on my desk, and glance at it several times a day as the fatigue and frustration hit -- to remind myself of my true north, and that I am more than the sum of my skills.
- Clear-headed critical thinking is vital. Every move I make and the calm, clear direction I provide for my team helps us get to a better place.
- Active listening and confirmation of concerns are just as valuable as actions.
- And as I consistently show the values I believe in, it inspires confidence in those around me that we are making a difference … that we are not victims of this situation … that we are part of the solution … and that we can be heroes even if just in small ways every day.
So I truly thank my RLF classmates and facilitators for accompanying me on my leadership development journey which helped me gain the toolkit to address the pandemic crisis head-on; with courage in the face of the uncertain times – a courage I’m able to share with my team as a leader.
Finally, for those of you who are not in healthcare and want to help, I have one request. Please pick up the phone and call someone. Anyone. Reach out to friends, elderly people in your community, acquaintances or people you work with. Just check in with them. Let them tell you how they feel and listen. This small act of kindness can have a huge impact on mental health during isolation and confusion for everyone.
Take care and stay safe.
Paullette James-Lecoq is Director of API management and Data Services in the healthcare industry.
"What's become clearer" after 26 years in rlf
"WORDS OF WISDOM" -- FROM LONGTIME RLF FACILITATOR, BART BOLTON
Editor’s Note: Bart Bolton recently retired after more than two decades as an RLF Facilitator. As Bart transitions to his new chapter in life, he agreed to share some parting observations and “lessons learned” during his longtime service to RLF and to countless RLF graduates.
"WHAT HAS BECOME CLEAR TO ME AFTER 26 YEARS IN RLF ...
by Bart Bolton (Originally published in March 2020)
Like many RLF participants sitting in the classroom on their first day, I, too, wasn’t quite sure just what I had volunteered to do when I first began to facilitate RLF. In many ways, I was one book ahead of the class.
Today, I have the advantage and the benefit of more than 1,000 discussions, hundreds of personal life stories, the counsel of some 360 guest speakers, and countless exercises and topic discussions germane to leadership development.
Here are perhaps the “top ten” of what I have learned over the years, which I now gratefully share with all RLF grads and constituents:
1. The only person you can change in life is YOU. …..You can influence others but you cannot change them. They must change themselves. Yes, you can “command” someone to do something because you have the “power” over them (e.g. military model or parent), but the more effective way is to inspire them to change by introducing new personal values. Covey’s 7 Habits is worth considering.
2. Self-awareness is key to real leadership. Knowing who you really are, what you believe in, how you set your priorities, and what and why your personal values are builds your self-confidence. People follow leaders who display and act in a confident manner.
3. Leading and Learning go hand in hand. Effective leaders are consummate learners. They are always open to new ideas and are willing to take risks. First, they learn … next, they learn to personally accept change … and then they lead change to the organization usually through some type of vision brought on through their learning.
4. Given the time constraints of today, one must learn to read differently. The demands on everyone’s time continue to grow and we need to provide for personal learning, which includes the reading of some great non-fiction books. I believe you must find a way to get the key messages from a book in one hour – without reading all 400 pages. You’ll find that most books are actually structured so this can be accomplished. That means you can cover 12 books a year. You might even revisit How To Read a Book.
5. When you’ve stopped learning in the job you’re in, move on. This idea is the counterpart of point #3 above. Once you’ve stopped learning in the job you’re in, the result means you are no longer leading and, thus, not contributing to the organization…no value added. In some ways, you are just marking time and at some point, your position will be judged as unnecessary. It’s better that you move on to another position first where you can begin to learn again.
6. Leading is more complex than managing and is more difficult to measure. There are systems to measure management performance found in John Kotter’s “Planning & Budgeting,” “Organizing & Staffing,” and “Controlling and Problem Solving” … the red, yellow and green flags. However, when you try to measure Kotter’s view of “Leadership…Establishing Direction, Aligning People, and Motivating & Inspiring” … it is very difficult to do. One can be trained in or taught management and must discover or develop one’s own leadership style. These are actually very different learning experiences.
7. Real listening is a critical skill for an effective leader. It seems to require all five senses to listen well, be it in both our professional and personal lives. Listening clearly is the basis for all our communications and especially the verbal ones. “Seek first to understand to then be understood” is good advice from Covey. Being in the other guy’s movie is the advice from The Zen of Listening … easy to say and yet tough to do! Step back sometime in a meeting and watch how many people talk over others in the meeting. Do they really hear the other people or are they more interested in speaking instead of listening?
8. Synchronicity has played a significant role in my life. This concept of Synchronicity underscores the need to constantly develop one’s personal network. If I had not known people in SIM, I would never have become involved in RLF. I would not have known the people in SIM if I had not gone to work at Digital where I was connected with someone back in Detroit, etc. etc. None of all that was part of my career plan. Little did I know when we moved to the Boston area in 1976 that I would end up in RLF. One of the advantages of age is the ability to more clearly observe past history, be it professional or personal.
9. Pursuing a dream/vision usually produces a passionate leader, e.g. disruptive leaders. When you look at the Bill Gates,, Steve Jobs, and Jeff Bezos of the world and understand the visions or dreams they have had, you can understand their passion. They are examples of disruptive leaders whom many people thought were kind of “different.” Working for them meant you had to share in those passions as their leadership styles seem to have been difficult to deal with. So, what kind of leader do you want to follow? What kind of leader do you want to be?
10. Trust is THE significant success factor in relationships, be they professional or personal. Trust is part of authenticity, transparency, honesty, and integrity and probably other values. All of these contribute to the level of the relationships. Credibility (brought on by Trust) is 80% relationships and 20% Expertise per Jim Kinney, former CIO of Kraft Foods. Trust definitely operates or exists at different levels, e.g. individuals vs. organizations.
And, finally, I’ll throw in one more extra thought, for good measure …
11. Technology is easy. It’s people that count. Your success depends on them. You have to truly get to know people, be they professional or personal. In our Forums, I’ve been amazed at the impact that the collection of session-ending poems has had over the years … from “The Paradoxical Commandments” to “The Dash” to “Friend Around the Corner” to “The Man in the Glass.” They deal with the human emotions and to be successful, a Leader must be able to do so as well.
I shared each of these “what has become clearer” points with the Northeast-Boston RLF class in our final 2019 session, and they seemed to appreciate them. I hope they resonate with you as well. Best wishes!
Bart Bolton has been a longtime RLF Facilitator and an instrumental force in making RLF a tremendously successful program of SIM. He can be reached at bartbolton@aol.com.
make the most of YOUR sim CONNECTIONS
RLF GRADS -- MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR FREE SIM MEMBERSHIP
by Brian Madden (Originally published in January 2020)
Like every RLF graduate, after completing the program I received a one-year free membership in my local SIM chapter. There, I struggled at first to fit in, but eventually I came to find a new home and a great new network. You can too!
More than 10 years ago, I came to RLF in my third year of managing a seven-person IT department. At work I felt I had an “impostor syndrome” due to my lack of experience managing people and all of human nature’s quirks. Hungry for advice on how to better lead and manage people, I listened to RLF graduates who described the program as “transformative,” “eye opening,” “emotional” and “incredibly useful.” They recommended RLF without hesitation, so I enrolled in the Boston RLF.
The RLF sessions were heavy on active participation from the students which opened the door to even more sharing, trust-building, and bonding. Together, we learned a new language to communicate and connect with others who not long ago were complete strangers.
After we graduated from RLF, we promised to stay in touch and to hold class reunions, but life goes on. Aside from one or two meetups and calls we mostly all went our separate ways. So, I looked to SIM Boston as the potential thread that could keep us connected. But sadly, I came to learn that most RLF grads don’t renew their SIM membership after the free year or if they do renew, they don’t stay engaged in SIM for long.
I believe one explanation for why “RLFers” don’t stick around is that most SIM events do not engage grads in the exact same way as RLF. But I would argue that this is an unreasonable expectation. RLF immerses you in an experiential learning context where you are out of the office for two days, away from work, and where you’re surrounded by people who share the goal of becoming better versions of themselves. Contrast this with a typical SIM event that is held at the beginning / end of a regular working day, leaving little to no buffer between the ‘real world’ and the event itself. In my opinion, we RLF grads may expect too much of an RLF-type experience at SIM and therefore our engagement with our local chapters begins to wane for reasons more of our own making.
So, what did I do differently? After RLF, in order to build my network, I started attending the quarterly Boston CIO roundtable, a really wonderful networking sub-group. Being an introvert, those meetings were hell for me. Everyone seemed to already know each other, sharing warm hearty handshakes and hugs, having collegial conversations amid a whole scene that conveyed a sense of deep familiarity among the participants. And there I was, an introvert still wrestling with imposter syndrome in a room full of accomplished CIOs who all appeared to be good friends. Was this awkward and uncomfortable feeling the price I had to pay to build my network? I was determined to find out.
I challenged myself to continue attending these meetings on and off for a couple of years before I realized that the problem wasn’t the people in those rooms: the problem was me! I was too wrapped up in my own self-defeating story about how I didn’t really belong there, how these wonderful CIOs were all better than me and how I needed to find a way to impress them. The problem with this logic was that it was completely wrong. Nobody – not a single person – ever attended a CIO roundtable with the goal to be impressed by me. Duh! What was I thinking? Were we back in high school? In retrospect it's painfully obvious just how ridiculous my internal story was.
Once I realized this, from then on at every event I’d look around a room and remind myself that a lot of people there were feeling just like me. I didn’t need to impress anyone, I just needed to be myself and to have a real, genuine conversation with someone – anyone. It didn’t even matter what the topic was, as long as the conversation was authentic. Networking happens one person, one conversation at a time.
This epiphany completely changed my approach to, and my expectations for, attending SIM events (and all networking events.) And I encourage every RLF grad to similarly look at their SIM participation from a fresh new vantage point.
Today, I see each SIM event as a great opportunity to possibly meet somebody, to learn something new and to reconnect with those who I’ve come to know over the years. By changing the story I told myself about networking within SIM, I was able to completely change my experience and level of engagement.
And you can too.
So new RLF grads, I hope you learn from what I experienced and you truly make the most of your year of free SIM membership. Or, if it’s been a while since your year of SIM membership, I heartily encourage you to give SIM another try. Because SIM is a phenomenal opportunity to get involved, meet new colleagues in our technology industry and, most of all, continue the process of “stretching” yourself and your capabilities that began in RLF.
See you at an upcoming SIM event!
Brian Madden is a 2008 graduate of the Northeast-Boston RLF program and is COO / EVP of Lexington Solutions, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Boston Capital. He also currently co-chairs the CIO Roundtable committee of the SIM Boston chapter.